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Butterfly Balm

When I awoke from my sleep walk I knew that the danger had passed. And that when you’ve not a thing left to loose, you fear not a thing. It’s taken me years however, to realize that there are few who share my perspective.

There are those who advise me not to walk or ride along the side the of the road, only on a bike path. “It’s too dangerous.” They say. “Aren’t you afraid of walking alone?” A friend once asked. “Afraid of what?” my honest reply.

You may think I’m a danger seeker, an adrenalin junkie. You are largely wrong and slightly right. You see, I’ve already lost all of the things that many may be afraid of losing. Oh, I won’t try to kid you. It wasn’t easy. It was really bad and for a long time. But while I slumbered, fear in and of itself disappeared. Fear of the worst because the things I’d feared most in life had already occurred. Fear of losing my child, my family, my home, every tiny scrap of possession and even my beloved dogs. My future, my present, my life. Yes, I faced the lighted tunnel. The fear of multiple coinciding, life threatening health issues. Fear of anxiety.

Fear of fear.

It all came to pass in a number of bloody battles, an unintended war fought by a weary woman on a war torn battlefield of a life.

As I lived my previously ordinary middle class life of relative caution and calm, the dangers of simply living it held tight their grip. My sleep walk years, a nightmare when merely waking up was fraught with danger; breathing itself, an insurmountable challenge.

They’re a blur to me now, those years. Thankfully, they were even then.

But I am given today.

You may wonder why it is that I so thoroughly enjoy my nature adventures, my attention to subtleties. I want to experience the clarity of it, the crisp, clear rawness of it’s detail. I want to feel the wide-awakeness of it on even the minute level. For in the minute lies the grand. Danger be damned.

Through the sultry sulphorous air I pedal to the Point, to Breakwater Village despite the breathing alert. Breathing I’ve finally mastered. At waters edge I lighten upon the most magnificent butterflies flittering in a butterfly balm bush for souls almost found. My eye strikes upon brilliant speckles of white, yellow, divinely detailed splotches of orange interlaced with intricate strips of dusted coal. Winged daydreams flit across blue, grace green, fly above fuchsia, lace into lavender, touching softly onto castles of vapor.

I am awake. I stay myself under a searing sun. I breathe salve of sweet, salty air as butterfly balm infuses my life like a dream.

8.9.18

Wink Of Joy

This particular photo grouping is for those who love spindly legs, fancy feet, racing from the surf. Birds, bubbles, sunshine, shadows and whatever you like about them.

Wink Of Joy

‘The first day of Fall landed with a cool welcome here in Southern Rhode Island. Weather instantly transformed from tank-top-sweltering-hot to, “Where the hell is that other glove?” cold. Along our early morning trek we witnessed folks wrapped in scarves, hats, mittens and parkas. Seems they readily accepted the magic trick switch. Yesterday morning felt right wintery.

But as the sun warmed our day, we found ourselves here, by the sea.

Seldom do I plan in detail. How would I when I rely on Mother Nature’s guidance?

Avoidance behavior dominated my existence regarding our unrivaled seashore all summer long. It nettled me, no end. We are ‘The Ocean State’ and I am a native, born and bred. The ocean courses through my viens, my heart, mind and spirit.

But, in consolation, we have tomorrow. And the day after that. All the days until next May 31st to enjoy our shores. And thoroughly enjoy, I will.

The sea, the mountains, valleys, woods, lakes streams. Colorful foliage car rides through forgotten back roads. A comforting meal with dear ones. Watching your favorite TV special, curled up on the couch. Prayer. Meditation. Movement. Listening to a special musical piece, viewing or creating an inspiring work of art. Glimpses of Fall, hopefully.

Every so often I hear that there is someone, or two reading my essays. They telI me the words and photos really matter. So, I hope to post many more as I progress. I’m still a novice with much to learn.
About every big and little thing, so I sure need the practice.

If for only a moment, whatever or wherever your soul finds peace in this trying time,
I hope you settle there.

Settle yourself into a wink of joy.

NB Wilde
9.23.2020